It's Only Money

I'm a good Canadian saver of pennies. Always have been. And born female into the middle class I've never known what it's like to not have enough money to house and feed myself.

I say female because I've had boyfriends who managed somehow to not have sufficient funds to get by. I put it down to me having to be that much more independent.

I also grew up with a mother who said, "Never depend on a man for money."

She wasn't dissing men. And now I think about it, she never did diss men. But it was something her father said to her before skipping out on my grandmother.

Did I tell you I have (at least) eight half uncles a few to several years older'n me running around out there?

My grandfather was one mangy slut man, let me tell you, internet.

So have you looked? I haven't looked. My Blond Companion said not to and I'm heeding his advice. It's all upsetting enough. I don't need to see how badly Republicans have screwed up my financial future on behalf of their Russian Mob bosses.

If this was happening at an earlier time in my life I think I'd be beside myself with rage. I remember even when COVID hit I didn't have the "we're all in this nose dive together and nothing we can do about it now" feeling. But I was still working, nose to the grindstone, and my thoughts were all about amassing as much fortune as I could before the assignments ran out.

Not long into this stretch of unemployment, which I guess is retirement, but before I'd applied for old age security, which is what I live on now so please don't vote Conservative, I had an interview for a government temp job that sounded so hard I decided to just out with it, "How desperate are you?"

Being government people, but it also being some time in 2022 (or was it 2023?) the slightly startled looks soon shifted to mildly amused chuckles, "Well... we wouldn't say desperate."

"Okay good. You need somebody better. This job sounds impossible to me."

And that was that. They tried it on for a bit (because they absolutely were desperate) but it only solidified my opinion further. Nope. I'd rather hunt down a good recipe for stone soup, thanks.

Also, the stock market had recovered and the future was looking, well, none of us would need shades but we weren't dead, either, so, bright enough, I guess.

Whoever would have thought Americans would re-elect the Orange Goon Gang all over again?

Well, I guess more than a few students of American culture, but nobody I knew. And when they did I remember thinking I should put my savings in a safe-from-the-market-goes-up-the-market-goes-down spot but I didn't get around to it and now it's too late. What's a surprise to me is how I feel about that, which is a kind of easy come, easy go shrug.

Years ago, now, circa 2008, a Facebook friend who's never had money and depends on disability payments to stay afloat, joked about never worrying about big financial crises because he doesn't have any money anyway. His quip has stayed with me over the years in an odd vicarious thrill kind of way, because it's been such a lifelong obsession, a burden, really, saving for the future.

How much is ever enough? I hated working, too. I've only ever wanted to be at home. And not working from home, either. That just ruined being at home for me.

Well, the future's here, I guess, but my mission now is to liberate myself from that lifelong obsession and burden. It's what my latest guru, Stephanie Harrison, refers to as "Old Happy", the fallacy that having more will make us happier when we know now the opposite is true.

Cripes, all we need do is look at the wealthiest people in America and around the world, the much referenced 1%, and the desperate wannabes trying to gamble their way into their exalted circle, to get it.

We're only as wealthy as the governments we elect to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable citizens - and wannabe citizens - among us.

And, unfortunately, for ALL of us, Americans just elected a government that's disappearing its most vulnerable citizens - and wannabe citizens - instead.

For me it's only money. For them it's everything.

Love First

I was reading an interesting thread on BlueSky, where I often go to check out what Americans are saying about the daily news as gathered by professional journalists.

See what I did there?

Even at that I mostly stick to what their sister and brother journalists have to add.

This morning I realized the why factor doesn't matter with regard to what the Republican Party is doing to Americans because the effect is the same.

Trillions of dollars are being disappeared from the US economy while public servants are being fired and the rule of law ignored without consequence.

It's a heist behind a maelstrom of chaos.

So while Americans work on sorting it out, I'm on a mission to build back self love because I realized - just yesterday - it got worn away over the years.

How did I not notice?

The penny dropped when I was talking to an old friend - out of the blue - from university days. He's been a quiet Facebook friend for years, the only one from back in the day, and he asked for my phone number. Then he called and we had a catch up. He's received help with childhood trauma. During the call I mentioned the nausea attacks I was having and the therapy I was lucky to get with a young woman who specialized in eating disorders.

And while we were talking, a thought started percolating as to the why of what most better adjusted people would view as disordered behaviour over the decades and what I recognize now as saying yes when I wanted to say no and no when I wanted to say yes.

I wasn't following reason but I wasn't paying attention to gut instincts either.

But then there were those few cosy love nest years when I was at home with my children, healthy, wealthy and wise. Love, love, love and more love.

Later in the day one of those Lewis Howe sessions came up on my Facebook page. The man he was interviewing was talking about the real problem in our society, which is that of adults not loving ourselves, or even being aware we don't love ourselves.

He said to think about your children and how you love them.

I suppose if you don't have children, think about yourself as a child, and how your parents loved you, or how you would have wanted your parents to love you.

Or use a pet as the love test. No judgement. Love is love.

Now, if someone were to ask why, why do you love your children, you wouldn't have an answer. I wouldn't have an answer. We don't know why we love our children. We just do.

It's unconditional, a given. There's even a time, a friend calls them the real golden years, golden years parents are left to remember, but children move on to forget, when the love flows back and forth between us, it's all there is, an impenetrable love bubble.

Then this man said something revelatory, to me at least, and I think this is what I heard, which is that we should love ourselves that same way, like we're our own dear precious child, our party of one impenetrable love bubble.

This was when I realized how far off the rails I'd been knocked by this self loathing society we all cling to like grim death. And as we know to say now, it's no one's fault, it goes back to the first time we put competition over cooperation, but it's all our responsibility now.

We know better.

Anyway, my friend had kept saying how lucky I was to get the young woman who specialized in eating disorders to help me with my nausea attacks, which I found vaguely annoying at the time, but later, after we'd hung up, I got it - what could be more symptomatic of a lack of self love than denying myself sustenance?😀

So, where to start? Well, what are my values? Then, live them as best I can - for myself - with a default setting of compassion and forgiveness and extra love on top when I miss the mark.

Because there's no failing at life. That's just such a terrible lie.

The truth is, there should only be love.