There's a reel that comes up in my Facebook feed of a guy who walks while dispensing life advice. He describes himself as a recovered alcoholic (AA people say "recovering" so he's making a statement with "recovered") and former people pleaser. His advice mostly boils down to taking responsibility for where we're at, no more whining, complaining, and blaming of others, and start putting one foot in front of the other to be who you want to be in this big ol' world.
A man in one of my classes went off on me in his van on a ride home. I was so shocked by it my body went into the freeze response. It was an awful experience. I felt like a little kid trapped in a van and being blamed for something I didn't understand by an incoherent and angry adult.
When I told a friend about it, she was quick to assure me I'd done nothing wrong. Because, of course, I was assuming I must have done something to cause this man, with whom I don't really have any kind of relationship, to go off on me as he did.
It took her saying it a few times and finally I got it. Of course I didn't do anything to deserve being treated like that.
"Well you must have done something." It comes from childhood, doesn't it. All of it.
Dr. Gabor Mate says to never ignore gut instincts. They're how we survive. Where I let myself down was ignoring my gut instinct about this man, which was that he was not who he was pretending to be, that the hand flapping insecurity was a veneer, and accepting a ride home with him. A few times.
In my defence, OC Transpo is either a no show or already packed with students at that time of day.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I showed up for a different class, one I knew he wasn't interested in, but there he was. And he made a beeline for me, wanting to continue where we'd left off - me exiting a practically still moving van. So I ran into the hall and the instructor followed where she witnessed my panic at having run into him again. I told her I had to leave, and why, later informing the owner of the school that I'd have to drop out.
There was no way I could continue to be in an interactive class with this man.
I don't care about the money, which is good because I'm not being offered a refund, I'm being offered a credit for another class. Alas, I no longer want anything to do with the school because, as much as I enjoyed the classes I took, I'm done. And yet, until today, I felt like I should use the credit to take another class because that's what both the instructor and the owner want me to do.
They like me. I'm fun. I add a lot to the classes. And I recognize there's not a lot they can do about the situation and I'm not asking them to do anything anyway. I doubt this man would admit to his behaviour if they asked him about it and I don't want them to ask him. It's not like they could mediate a solution. I don't want anything to do with him.
Luckily, thanks to my people pleasing mentor popping up in my Facebook feed today, I realized I'd be using my credit to please them, not me, and so I'm not going to do it.
And it's all good because I've learned more expensive lessons than this to trust my gut too.😇
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