Merry What?

 Christmas? What the fuck is Christmas?

There. I've made my annual Christmas joke which you are free to steal if and when the mood strikes. It's a paraphrase of something my earlier life sister-in-law said to my earlier life mother-in-law one Easter.

M-in-L: "So I ran into Mrs. Crestfallen in the IGA and she asked me what I was serving for Easter - ham or turkey. And I said I just didn't know. Maybe I'd even serve a roast beef. So here we are eating roast beef for Easter dinner."

S-in-L: "You should have said, 'Easter? What the fuck is Easter?'"

Oh how we all laughed. Good people from my earlier life.

Minus one!

Otherwise, I'm trying my gosh golly darned best not to criticize this most stupid time of the year, when people use all their free time driving around to malls so they can buy more stuff for their already over-stuffed lives.

Just, please - spare a thought for our retail workers (of the ever expanding precariat wasteland that is our economy now). Because the holiday season for retail workers just means a shit ton more work for the same pay, one statutory holiday off, followed by one statutory holiday on that's, yes, time and a half, but also a shit ton more work on top of the shit ton more work for the same pay they've been doing for weeks.

Thank you, o great union leaders, for your past contributions.

But wtf have you done for us lately, eh? You're never going to organize the retail/service sector so get us a basic annual income instead and let the multinational corporate bloodsuckers figure it out when nobody shows up to work to sell their shitty crap made by political prisoners in China.

And by the way, maybe clam up about bringing us the weekend in your Labour Day promos because that's when a lot of people are at work serving the much better paid 5 day week 9-5ers. Yeah, we get it, the only jobs worth having are unionized. But have you tried to get one lately? No. So just STFU about weekends, 'kay?

It's almost 2019. Get with the now.

And yes, I cover all this in "That Looks Good on You - You Should Buy It", soon to be complete with illustrations and then, well, I don't really know much about publishing. Publishing is the murky grey zone in this venture.

Hey, union leaders, do something useful and get my book published for me!

Thanks!

By the way, is it just me or have you, too, noticed that Christmas People (and my sincere apologies if you are one - come back in 2019 and I'll be a better person, I promise) act like wishing someone a Merry Christmas in this imaginary "War on Christmas" is a subversive act, like they're Victor Laszlo leading a rousing rendition of La Marsellaise in Rick's cafe while the Nazis squirm about uncomfortably.

Speaking of which, you know who loved Christmas? NAZIS!

I mean, Geez Louise, give it up, Christmas People. The public service office I'm currently a temp in is festooned with Christmas regalia, absolutetootily festooned - decorated lit up Christmas trees, holy looking Santas, a fridge full of chocolate eggnog.

Yes, you read that right. Chocolate eggnog. Try that with rum and see what happens, kids.

Oh, and whose responsibility is it to make sure the Christmas lights are turned off at the end of the day?

You guessed it, mine.

Christ, give me Ramadan any day.

Oh shit, I bet I just ended up on a no-fly list. Never mind. Forget I said anything.

Also, I do like a decorated lit up Christmas tree. It reminds me of my first encounter with Harry Dean Stanton, who was in my favourite Christmas movie that I haven't seen in thirty years, One Magic Christmas, but Repo Man before that.

Hey, Merry Christmas, eh? Here's to many more if we don't get ourselves blown to smithereens next week.