Anxious Much?

 My first major panic attack came after going out for lunch on Mother's Day, a pleasant meetup downtown (Ottawa) with my partner, eldest, and two friends on a patio at a place we used to frequent in pre-pandemic days.

I thought it must've been the fish or maybe the draft lines weren't clean. I hadn't had any trouble with white fish before, although I was no longer eating salmon (or duck) due to unpleasant after effects that were not, however, like this. I'd had each twice, same reaction - unpleasant, and I had to get rid of them, but not terrifying. Also my partner had eaten half my meal and had the same draft and he was fine.

No, this was different. On the walk to get the bus home I started to feel a terrible dread, later white knuckling it on the bus. There was no stomach pain, just feeling completely alienated, plus knowing I would have to empty my body of lunch. I'm vomit-phobic too so it took some doing, and a lot of lying on the bathroom floor, heart pounding, cold, then hot, then cold again, before hours later I was able to take a couple of gravol and go to bed, relieved it was over.

I did it, got rid of lunch. Oh the relief. Blessed, blessed relief.

(I remember the Freedom Convoyer driving by during lunch, truck festooned with obscene flags, engine roaring, and the people at the next table breaking out into Ram Ranch, giving them the finger. We joined in with applause for their outburst, but it was unsettling, a reminder of the breakdown in law and order, in the end having to rely on the very police who'd betrayed us to the bullying mob to run it out of town.)

Democracy is quite the compromise these days it seems.

I still won't risk fish (or duck) anymore. My sister suggested they were farmed and maybe I was allergic to whatever they were fed. But the incidents happened again and again and again, generally after venturing out, and so no, it's not the cauliflower or vegan tacos.

The last attack, just this past Saturday, a late afternoon meet up with a couple of friends, we passed a trio, a woman draped in a flag flanked by a couple of men, this one the Indigenous every child matters flag, parading down the sidewalk like the Queen of Sheba, as my mother would say, the narcissism off the charts as is the case with all Freedom Convoyers.

Then there were the two gangs of men, young, but too old to be shouting their Freedom Convoy allegiances (vaccine conspiracies this time) back and forth across the street.

"It's a little bleak downtown", commented my partner who, like a lot of us, really just wants to punch the fascist motherfuckers, always either in a truck or a gang, in the face.

"It's a dystopian nightmare", I replied.

But we had a nice time anyway and then I got home and the dread descended and it was Mother's Day all over again. (And yes, I recognize the "M" word here - in my case a reminder of the psychological pain she was in, and so I was in, too, before we both enjoyed her MAiD.)

So okay. I'm having panic attacks. And why not? I'm the most anxious person I know. We're in a pandemic, we just experienced an occupation, and our healthcare system is collapsing.

And by some sort of Christmas miracle, and being the 50% of our household with a doctor inherited from a retired doctor, I got in to see him Monday afternoon.

One of his patients must've enjoyed MAiD instead of keeping her appointment?

So now I have a prescription for anti-anxiety medication because he basically recognized and in fact gave me the words to describe what was happening to me - I'm having panic attacks due to a too high baseline level of anxiety. (Meanwhile I denied being an anxious person before suddenly blurting out, "Oh my God - why am I pretending I'm not anxious to a doctor? I'm the most anxious person I know!" He, in turn, confessed to experiencing a level of stress in his job he'd never experienced before, causing me to add, "I know and I'm feeling your stress right now!")

I won't name the medication. It's a low dose, what he'd prescribe a 5'5" 110 pound teenager. It's to treat the baseline anxiety to hopefully prevent the panic attacks, which are very debilitating. Sunday I was in my pajamas all day, for instance, a few hours long nap in the afternoon, very light eating, lots of water.

I've never taken this type of medication before so... I'm anxious about it! But I also don't want to have panic attacks so I'll take it.

Oh and he's trying to get me free therapy because he's all about the two-pronged approach, as the best doctors are, but we both know how likely that is to happen so in the meantime I'm blogging this shit out, privacy be damned.

PS: I'm also back to sobriety, inspired by one Tweedy on Twitter, of all cyber dystopias, with, I think, I hope, more openness as to what that will mean. Also, I'm on medication now and it's $50 a month.