John Waters said of Christmas, "You can love Christmas, or hate it, but you can't ignore it."
Truer words. And of course John Waters loves Christmas because what's tackier than Christmas?
Right - weddings. Every time I see one of those white wedding gowns now I think of silver Christmas trees. So mean, I know, but fuck the patriarchy in the ear, ladies. The only people who should be wearing white wedding gowns nowadays are Drag Queens. And why a Drag Queen would get married NOT wearing a white wedding gown is beyond me.
Oh dear. Did I just cancel myself? Whatever. Can't care about everything. And Christmas is definitely off my list of cares. In fact, I'm so past Christmas, I thought yesterday was Christmas Eve! Not that it mattered a whit when I found out, no, the Christmas people have now taken to saying "Christmas Eve Eve" and so I got confused, not having noticed the extra "Eve".
That's right - eves are being added to Christmas.
I'm on a so far not noticeable anti-anxiety medication, although perhaps the rest of you are reading this under your beds, given the weather bombs your loved ones are traveling in - during a pandemic in which our premiers have allowed our healthcare systems to implode because - clearly - they don't work for us.
No. Shut up. You're officially canceled if you think Ford Nation works for you and not the Mob.
I mean, developers.
And why it's healthcare "systems", plural, in a country with a population less than that of California is... annoying, but I suppose makes it easier for Putin to destroy Confederation via our blatantly corrupt and glaringly compromised premiers. Oh and Liberals, New Democrats and Greens who can't be arsed even to split the vote again so they squeak in to raid our treasuries for the Mob, I mean, developers, instead of march.
But that's not what this entry is about because this entry is about a Facebook memory that came up this morning about a tweet from last Christmas Eve, before the latest Putin puppet took over Twitter:
"LOL... just realized I hadn't made the bread for stuffing yet! OOPS...on it!"
Here's my Facebook memory:
Saw a tweet: "LOL... just realized I hadn't made the bread for stuffing yet! OOPS...on it!" & I wanted to reply: "You may as well cancel Christmas dinner then because bread should be stale for stuffing & yours is going to be fresh out of the oven." But then I thought about those reminders that come up now on Twitter when it's a "both sides" issue (so right vs wrong as if wrong isn't wrong it's just different from right) to remember before replying that there's a person behind the screen. #christmasspirit
Yes, I know - "You're a riot, Alice".
But seriously, if you're doing Christmas from scratch - and if you're not, why are you doing Christmas at all? - and you've pretty much blown it by being late making the bread, rip it all up and stale it in the oven before making the stuffing and maybe it won't be a complete washout for you.
Also, and it's likely too late now, but you should add the spice packet from a box of StoveTop dressing, so as to re-create the *smell* of Christmas, but at greater expense and effort, of course.
If you're going to host - host. None of this "no one will care if everything's not perfect" bullshit. YOU care. So don't screw up like maybe you did last year by neglecting to buy organic cranberries dried in orange juice for that hit of sweet (but not too sweet!) with the savoury.
Dollarama may have a few boxes of StoveTop leftover from Christmases past. Worth a run in the gas guzzler to check. Because, trust me on this, once you stop keeping up with tradition (with updates because, although lard is easier to work with for your pastry, butter improves its flavour AND goes better with your mincemeat) you're just one short slide away from forgetting it altogether.
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