Aftershocks

 I had another panic attack yesterday evening. I think I felt it building over the course of the day but I'm not sure. By 7:30 pm though I knew it was happening so I propped myself up in bed, a cold cloth on my forehead, tried to concentrate on my breathing.

The nausea was fairly intense, coming in waves, but I felt less alienated than during other panic attacks. I wanted to lie on the bathroom floor at one point (the attacks are very tiring) and did, briefly, but decided that was falling into back into an earlier pattern, and made myself go back to bed.

Also, while lying on the bathroom floor starting to wish for the crabby hand of death to slap me off this mortal coil, I kicked my rational brain into gear, "you're not going to die of a panic attack, get a grip, let it play out, you will feel better".

My mantra for next time: This too shall pass.

My blond companion lied with me in bed, holding my hand. This too was an improvement on previous attacks when I didn't want anybody around, couldn't (wouldn't?) allow myself to be comforted.

Suffering should be borne in private? Me? Who is this person having panic attacks?

But I get anxious if I think I'm inconveniencing someone, no matter how willing they are to help. It's ironic because my neighbour, of whom I make much fun, won't be beholden to anyone no matter how much he needs the help.

(Just to be mean I make him meat pies he can't resist accepting, even gracing me once with, "it was good".)

Eventually, pill averse me said yes to a couple of gravol. Gravol hasn't been enough in the past, but I figured it was worth a try again, even though I was worried about interactions with the daily medication I've been taking, fluoxetine. I need two gravol (at least) and tried to have faith they would work.

Well of course they did and next time I'll take the gravol as soon as I start feeling nauseous.

After a while of counting breaths, I fell asleep, which I guess is the effect of the gravol.

I always have to get up in the night to pee and when I did I noticed I wasn't nauseous anymore. I also suddenly remembered as a kid having had the stomach flu and being so afraid afterward of being nauseous that my mother took me to Dr. Tiltons (an Estonian who escaped when the Soviets invaded, landing in the Sault and with an accent so strong we often had no idea what the diagnosis was). She prescribed some sort of peppermint concoction, and I insisted on taking a spoonful of it every night before bed.

But here's something, it's the anniversary of the Freedom Convoy attack on us in Ottawa last year and yesterday I'd posted on Facebook about having to avoid seeing or hearing Pierre Poilievre, which is getting harder with the House back. I was listening to CBC radio and all of a sudden there was his whiny drone assaulting my ears. In my post I joked about him making me nauseous, which I'd forgotten about until my blond companion reminded me of it this morning.

Surely hearing Pierre Poilievre's voice on the radio (I mute CBC news on television if he's in a clip from the House or elsewhere) didn't spark a panic attack a couple of hours later, but I suppose it's possible. In any case, he's not going away so I'm going to have to figure out how to avoid being exposed to him.

(I just remembered that episode of Seinfeld where Mary Hart's voice sets off seizures? in Kramer.)

(Also, today I read an interview with Erin O'Toole in which he complained about Conservative MPs having gone down internet rabbit holes, and I wondered why then he'd wanted to lead them to power.)

Anyway, I think today will be my last day (re)posting Freedom Convoy memories as they pop up on Facebook. I tend to think it's my duty to bear witness but I did it already and belabouring it isn't healthy. Time to trust in the process and let it go.

Maybe time to ditch a habit or two and establish some new routines, too. If I'm going to have panic attacks I want to at least learn from them. In the meantime, I wrote out a list of tips for dealing with anxiety, although not necessarily panic attacks, that I'll share here.

1.    2 inhales, 1 long exhale (I like this one because I have to think about it to do it).

2.    Focus on right now, the lack of need for action, and bring your attention to breathing.

3.    Exercise, preferably fresh air exercise, move your body (not possible in a panic attack for me).

4.    Eat good food (I include my baking in this now I'm on medication because I only want a small portion).

5.    Prioritize sleep (I sleep better and more than I used to because as soon as I'm even a bit tired I go to bed).

6.    Overcome catastrophizing and keep perspective (well, good luck - #7 helps with this).

7.    Make peace with the worst case scenario (this one has been good for me and came in handy last night).

8.    Use the anxiety decision tree: What's making you anxious? Can you do something about it? If so, do it. If no, distract yourself by doing something else productive. (this is a tricky one, at least, I find it hard, partly because not being pro-active enough is partly why I'm anxious, sort of a chicken/egg thing.)

If anybody has any other tips let me know.

Also, I don't think the panic attacks are menopause related, but they could be.